Hello, Self-Care Hell

Does self-care ever feel like an imposition to you? A burden? A band-aid? Or just another thing to make you feel bad about yourself?

Maybe sometimes it doesn’t. Sure, taking care of ourselves can be helpful, but let’s be real—it’s not always easy to connect with. And sometimes, the idea of self-care can straight-up make things worse.

Guess what? You’re not alone.

If you’ve ever Googled “self-care tips,” you’ve probably come across endless suggestions—journaling, meditating, stretching, eating well, sleeping better, and on and on and on. But let’s be real: self-care can feel like just one more thing on the never-ending to-do list, and frankly, it can be completely out of reach.

Not keeping up with the self-care checklist? That’s not a sign that you don’t love yourself. 🫶🏼The list is way too damn long. And it’s insult to injury to be told to relax when you already feel like you aren’t doing enough. 

We’ve ALL been there.

We don’t need to do more. In fact, most of us would agree—we need to do less. Sure, we’ve got AI at our fingertips, but we’re not robots. Our bodies are old, primal systems that aren’t built for constant output.

To be honest, self-care isn’t everything.

I KNOW, I know. That might be the last thing you thought a therapist would say, but hear me out.

Self-care is great for keeping us going in the long run. In therapy, I work with clients to figure out how to use self-care while also dealing with bigger stuff. It’s an awesome tool, but—and here’s the kicker—self-care gets used as a Band-Aid in contexts where it’s wildly disconnected from reality.

How many of us have had employers who actively pushed self-care, yet refused to address low pay, long hours, little time off, or toxic work environments? As if it’s on us to take accountability for their failure to support the humans behind the work. Being told to do more self-care in this context feels like a chore, an extension of work. It’s fruitless and exhausting.

Or, how many of us have gone through trauma and experienced people telling us to be sure to eat well and get good sleep? Yes, the basics get thrown off in the context of trauma, but it can feel patronizing to be told to be better about self-care. Sometimes, that advice adds to a sense of helplessness because it feels like something you should be able to do but can’t.

And don’t even get me started on the -ISMs. 🔥 For many of us living with marginalized identities, self-care isn’t just a luxury—it’s survival. Dealing with racism, sexism, ableism, heterosexism, xenophobia—fill in the blank—requires more than self-care. When you’re operating in survival mode, self-care can feel like a catch-22.

The hard truth? Self-care alone is not going to fix crappy work conditions, trauma, or systemic oppression. It’s helpful, yeah, but let’s not pretend it’s the whole solution. 

There’s a Simpler Way

Here’s the thing: Self-care doesn’t have to be about doing more. In fact, it’s usually about doing less. There’s a simple framework I use with clients that’s grounded in how our nervous systems work: Rest, Connect, Move.

That’s it. We need to rest. We need to connect—whether it’s with ourselves, others, or something spiritual. And we need to move.

When you’re burned out, start with Rest. And rest doesn’t just mean sleep—though it can definitely be that too. Rest can take all kinds of forms, both physical and mental. It could be as simple as hammock time, lying in the sun 🌞, or curling up with a book. It might mean taking a break from screens and letting your mind wander. For some, rest looks like engaging in what’s called active rest, like diving into an extreme sport or hobby that gets your mind off of work and lets you mentally recharge.

The reality is, we need all kinds of rest. Physical rest helps your body recover, while mental rest clears your mind and gives you space to breathe. Rest is anything that restores your coffers, fills you back up, and gives you the energy to move forward. Trust that whatever form of rest you need right now is valid.

Next, Connect—whether it’s with yourself, someone else, your community, nature, or spirituality, these are all forms of meaningful connection. 💫  Society pushes hyper-individualism, but connection is essential for both emotional and physical well-being. This is why family dinners, for example, play such a huge role in our health and development. They create space for connection, helping us build the capacity for social interaction and emotional growth.

Connection could mean having a deep conversation with a friend, spending a few moments with yourself journaling, listening to music that expresses your feelings, or even hugging a tree. 🌴 Whatever form it takes, it all counts.

Finally, Move. Our bodies aren’t built to sit still for hours, but they’re also not built to work themselves to exhaustion. Movement isn’t just physical—it’s deeply connected to our emotional well-being. Our bodies carry stories. A slumped posture, for example, can represent years of feeling torn down, and over time, it can make you feel even worse about yourself. 😞 Stuck places in the body often need physical care to get unstuck, but they also carry emotional experiences that need to be held and released.

Diverse movements—whether it’s stretching, walking, dancing 💃🏻, yoga, or even just using a fascia ball to release tension—can help you reconnect with your body. Movement helps release emotional blocks while restoring physical balance. How we move, and our capacity to move, has a bi-directional relationship with our emotional selves. It doesn’t have to be complicated. A few small, intentional movements throughout the day can have a profound effect. Seriously, a little goes a long way.

What to Do When Self-Care Feels Impossible?

But what about when you’re so burned out that you can’t even think about self-care? When you don’t know where to start, start with rest.

Our society is obsessed with productivity, which means rest is often the last thing we prioritize. We’re also so caught up in being hyper-individualistic that we deprioritize connection. Society’s priorities are the dead opposite of what your body actually needs.

When you’re burned out, start with rest, then connect, then move.

It can be hard to trust that if you slow down, you won’t sink into a depression. Many clients have come to me with that exact fear—they’re afraid that slowing down will lead them down a path they can’t come back from. But in reality, their burnout only worsened when they kept pushing through. By giving themselves permission to rest—and letting go of the guilt—they discovered that recharging didn’t require them to push themselves to exhaustion. Instead, they were able to regain energy and focus without overdoing it. 🌈

I get it. I’ve been there, too. There was a time in my life when I was doing all the things—exercise, socializing, sleep—but it still landed me in 3-4 bodywork appointments every week. It wasn’t until I stopped driving myself from one task to the next that I realized the stress of doing was part of the problem. Self-care isn’t always about adding more; sometimes, it’s about cutting things out.

Letting yourself off the hook is a form of rest.

Travel and Time Zones: How Living Abroad Taught Me to Prioritize Rest

Every time I venture into a new time zone 🌎, I make an educated guess about what I can accommodate in terms of client schedules, and every time I learn something new. For starters, my brain is really not awake at 8 a.m., especially day in, day out. I can handle about two weeks of this, but now I try to avoid it at all costs.

And even though I can technically see clients until 10 p.m., I can’t just shut off and go to sleep right after. I need a buffer—some time to unwind. Now, I cut myself off around 8 p.m., give myself time to decompress, and get to bed at a reasonable hour (even if it’s still nocturnal). I may make up the sleep, but constantly being out of sync with the sun still takes a toll.

We all have our rhythms and windows, and it’s key to listen to your body and adjust accordingly. Living abroad and working across time zones taught me that no matter how much we push ourselves, our bodies will always find a way to tell us when something’s off. The more we respect our natural cycles and simplify self-care, the better we feel.

Reclaiming Your Sovereignty

Self-care is about listening to what your body needs in the moment. It’s not about doing more, checking boxes, or following trends. It’s about nourishing your nervous system in the most natural, simple ways—Rest, Connect, Move.

Reclaim self-care as a way to honor your body’s rhythms, not as another task to get through. When we focus on what actually feels good, we’re pushing back against systems like capitalism and white supremacy that want us to keep hustling and ignoring our needs.

Your body knows what it needs. Trust it. Keep it simple. You’ve got this. 💪🏼

If this resonates with you and you’re ready to connect more deeply with your body, let’s work together. I offer 1:1 somatic experiencing sessions to help you listen to your body’s wisdom, tune into its signals, and restore balance. You don’t have to do it alone.